"To Not Conclude an Argument is to Waste Time"
Learn to Argue effectively without being a total prat and hurting the other person or wasting time.
First of all: Remember this is someone you love and care deeply about. They have feelings, and they get hurt just like you do. It might be someone you have to work with or a family member, so the best way to finish an argument is to come to an agreement that leaves both people happy. Keep a goal to the argument, otherwise you will never fix it. Respect this person and keep calm, because after this argument you both want to be able to talk and have fun together without questioning what insults or whatnot were said during the heat of the argument. Better yet avoid the heat, keep it cool and both glide through the argument to the point of resolution and closing the argument.
Assume: When you assume, you "Make and ASS of U and ME". Do not make assumptions, do not assume the worst. If the other person says something with two meanings one that is good and one that is bad, they probably meant the good one. Assuming they mean the bad one is leading you down a bad path and argument. So leave assumptions out of it, as best as you can. Don't assume they're aspring to hurt you either.
Running Away: Unless there is violence or mental abuse, don't run away from the argument. Don't shut the person out, cover your ears and go "lalala", don't hang up on them, or disappear. If you need some fresh air. Go for a walk around the block a few times, come back and hopefully then you have both thought enough to sort it out. Just don't completely ignore or run away from the argument, this will not fix or solve the issue, it will prolong it or even make it worse. Tell the other person you need to calm down, go for a walk, and then once you're both calmer try to discuss the issue again. Do not try to bury the argument this will not solve it.
Public Arguing: Do not argue in public, if there is a problem try to get somewhere private as soon as possible! It makes it hard on people around, and can alter how each individual in the argument will behave. Same applies for open to the public/friends social networks such as the wall or status on facebook.
Cyber Arguing: Arguing through chat, social network sites, private messaging or chat. Don't do it. Things are misunderstood and can cause further argument. It is best to talk in person, over the phone and a fine line allows texting because some problems can be resolved in this way. Also messaging/any typing argument means yes you think more about what you say, but you also both talk over each other and don't really read/hear what the other is saying.
Insults: Do not name call, stereotype, categorise each other, do not blame it on the whole gender, it's between two people not the world. Name-calling will stick with someone even after an argument, it also veers away from the actual problem and can result in endless words that aren't really to do with the problem that caused the argument.
Pointless Arguments: Things you can't change should not be fought about. If you partner has a good looking boss, get over it, they're with you. If you hate their parent, get over it, it's their parent. Until they start saying how attractive their boss is. Then it's no issue.
Talking Over Each Other: This is the stupidest way to argue, nothing is heard or understood. First one speaks, then the other should not be retaliating with their side to the argument, they need to listen, understand and repeat their understanding of the issue. Before you can refute an argument, you need to understand the other persons point of view, stop disclosing it as something stupid that doesn't matter, if it matters to them, then it matters and needs to solved. Without understanding each other one or both may feel like there is no resolution, which can cause resentment.
Winning the Argument: An argument is not about who wins and who loses, who has to apologise and who doesn't. The aim is to come out of the argument both happy and alive, to feel that you have both come to an agreement or negotiation, that there is a conclusion that works for both people. Do not aim to win. Aim to close the argument without either one feeling unheard, unappreciated, resentment.
Comparing to Others: Do not compare the other person to anyone else, treat them as an individual, not "You're just like my Ex", really try to avoid the Ex word COMPLETELY. Do not class a male as just bein male or a female as just being a female, he or she is an individual with his/her own beliefs, values and opinions. Don't bring other people into the argument, if you are arguing about someone, then it shouldn't be an argument between you two, just a resolution and an apology.
Breaking Up/Divorce/Getting a new Friend: Do not threaten with breaking up or divorce, if you will over something, then do it. If you need them to understand it's something that is against your values, morals, etc then you probably should say that. Same applies for saying I could get another bf/gf/best friend/etc, it's a threat and it's hurtful.
Going to Bed Angry: Another no-no, this will lead to a bad nights sleep and the possibility of resentment following through to the next day, whatever you have to do, both should try to let the argument subside, kiss and make up then go to sleep.
Making Patterns: Avoid using the word "Always", when we are upset it is very easy to think they "always" do this, "always" do that. The amount of times it has occured has wounded you but it doesn't mean they do that one bad thing "always". Also unless you have brought up the issue before, how is the other person going to know how you have felt all this time, try to explain, you have felt that way before, but now it's just building up. But do not say they do it "always", like it's only started bothering you now.
Challenges: Do not make dares. Do not challenge each other. But if they challenge your premises then be ready to explain them rationally. Do not categorise it as a man thing to do or a woman thing to do. Be exact and precise as to why that is how it is for you. Also be ready to be wrong. Allow the opportunity that you are not always right, and sometimes there is no such thing as right and wrong, but both people may be somewhat right and somewhat wrong, but we'll focus on both being right as that's a positive.
Leading the Argument: Nobody is or should be the boss of the Argument, nobody can call shots on when it closes. It should be a mutual agreement and a resolution is the only way to actually close the argument.
Being Wrong: An extent from the challenges. It is okay to be wrong. Do not feel bad if you are wrong on this occasion and do not berate the other if they are wrong. Mistakes should be swept under a carpet and forgotten about, if someone is wrong, as so commonly happens, let it be forgotten. Otherwise you'll harm the other person which may lead to resentment.
Swallow Your Pride: Stop making it all about the other being wrong, and take a look that maybe you are wrong or unclear. Eg. Do not say "You misunderstood me", say "I mustn't have made that very clear". Stop trying to be dominant, wether male or female, this is not a time to be dominant or controlling in general or of the argument.
Keep to the Point: This one is actually something TO DO. Keep to the point don't start going off track. Know what the problem is, and back it up too. Saying something without having a back up will get you nowhere. Do not bring up things from the past that have been resolved. It's in the past. Do not talk about past partners or mistakes.
Draw Boundaries: Some people will berate you and verbally abuse you to no end. Allowing them to do so is wrong. If they won't talk about the issue or consider a part of it as their fault/issue too, then nothing can be resolved. Draw some boundaries so that they can't carry on without the main issues being dealt with. This does not mean ignoring them till they cool down and come crawling to you in tears and apologising. Ask how they feel, what they want, then repeat your understanding, eventually they'll realise they've talked about the issue without realising it.
Talk about Feelings: Tell the other how it makes you feel, that's how you should start out the argument, not with "You are ...." and other insults and abuse.
Ask Questions: If you do not understand the other person, then ask questions. Or if they are asking you a question do not start talking to them like a baby or a retard, treat them equally and respect that not everyone knows the exact same information as each other. Do not shout or use laymans terms in an effort to directly or indirectly insult them, if you are friends or a couple or a family member, you know they are intelligent enough for conversation and thus deserve such respect.
Respect Each Other: Respect their opinion, it is their right to think or feel the way they do, you both need to respect each other to come to a happy close.
Let them Win: Not literally, I mean it's about being mutual, but trying to have the last word, will mean you both carry on and on and on FOREVER. Stop this from happening by stopping right when it gets to the last word point. And the last words should be Sorry anyway.
Keep a Cool Head: Don't heat up over the argument, keep it cool, this will help the other person to remain calm, instead of it getting louder and louder, more abusive, and more harmful to one or both of the people.
It Takes Two: There is one healthy way to recognise a good resolution, one that leaves both happy. Every argument is different, but for a happy ending, you need to understand there are two people in the argument, two people with a problem, one might be too sick/lazy to do a job, the other wants them to do the job. It is neithers fault entirely. An argument is not resolved until both parties have apologised and discussed a ways to change, so that they can both go forward without worrying about the past (present argument).
Time to Resolve the Argument: You know the time where you are happy again, and you're over it, that time, well tell the other person, I'm ready for us to resolve the issue. Because sometimes one is ready, then the other doesn't realise, keeps going, and aggrivates the other once again, dragging out an argument way past it's use by date. Also Time is not the key to resolving the argument. We are. Both parties in the argument are responsible and only they can resolve it, time will only make the issue scar, but it won't go away.
Be Prepared to Make Change or Alterations: If one solution that is one persons goal of the other, but the other will not accept this, then both should try to see alternative solutions that leave BOTH happy with the end result. There is never just one solution, keep an open mind to other solutions.
Fight to the Finish: Finally, if you do not close an argument it sticks in one or both peoples heads, maybe not there all the time, but it's there. You can't just ignore it and hope the other person finally stops caring, they're more likely to stop caring about you. Closing the argument is the most important part, otherwise you've wasted all that time arguing and being upset. Think of an argument as finding a close that leaves both people happy, no winning or losing, just resolving the issue in a negotiative and fair way.
Apologise and Accept: Accept the final decision, ensuring you both are happy with the outcome, and apologise. We all make fools of ourselves and say stupid things that we may not even mean. It's both your faults, the argument began because someone got hurt, accept that people get hurt, apologise for hurting them. Apologise for overreacting or whatever, but make sure the conclusion is a happy one. Make sure you don't leave an argument hanging. Apologise and CLOSE THE ARGUMENT.
Concocted by myself with the help of information from the following websites:
Concocted by myself with the help of information from the following websites:
http://www.krannert.purdue.edu/faculty/rau/funny/argue.htm
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2539235/arguing_without_fighting_cardinal_rules_pg5.html?cat=25
http://www.country-couples.co.uk/datingtips/6-rules-for-arguing-in-a-relationship/
http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/relationships/261042/Arguing--Don-t-name-call-and-keep-to-the-point
http://www.scatmania.org/2005/08/10/10-rules-for-arguing-effectively/
http://peacefulplanetcommunication.com/2010/06/09/from-argument-to-agreement-7-tips-for-difficult-discussions/
http://www.sciencechatforum.com/viewtopic.php?f=67&t=15875
No comments:
Post a Comment